The Existence of A Frame In Your Life:
In any conversation there is what’s called a frame. In short, it’s the social conventions that create the reality (or illusion of reality) within the context of that conversation. When two people met they both have a perception of where the conversation is going and what is happening. Ultimately one of the people will win and their frame will prevail over the other person’s reality. A frame is a very important thing to recognize and to have control over because the effects of a frame affect your subconscious and your actions is a very strong way. Here are a couple examples of frame control to bring this concept to life for you so you can begin to see it in your every day interactions.
Example: You living in your frame without anyone else
Imagine that you are driving in your car listening to your favorite music singing along and totally rock out. You always sing in your car, that is your reality. You are in your frame. Doing whatever you want is totally appropriate.
Example: Someone with a much larger frame taking your reality over
You are driving with your boss or a very powerful client in your car. In this case, you are most likely filtering your behavior according to what is considered appropriate to the person with the larger frame. If there is a particular action which is assumed by the person with a larger frame you will do that action without questioning it.
Example: You are driving with a 5 year old sibling/son in the car
You set the frame. The child lives in your reality. If you expect a certain behavior from the child and you have rapport, the child will do that action without questioning it.
As you can see frame control is a very powerful form of mind control. The frame is the reality that is just assumed in an interaction and everyday you go through a series of different frames from the interaction with your loved ones, to business, to the interaction you have with a waiter at your favorite restaurant. Perhaps by now you are wondering, “What happens when the person in control hasn’t be clearly defined?” Then you have, essentially, what is called a frame battle.
Frame Battle: Two people represent a different set of social expectations. One person’s expectation will win out and the other person will become a follower in the interaction as the other person leads.
Example: Suppose there is a relationship of an old married couple where the wife tells the husband what to do, the man replies, “yes, dear” and does what is expected of him. Not that this is a good or bad thing. It is merely the relationship that works best for these two in this relationship. In this case the wife clearly has frame control.
Example: Now imagine a typical relationship in the 1950 where the man runs the house as the wife prepares dinner for him according to his expectations. In this case the husband has clear frame control.
The interesting thing is that in any type of relationship, your frame is constantly tested and if you don’t know how to control it, it will diminish or disappear over time. Leadership is important and because of that at times it is important to be in the frame of someone else. At other times it serves you to hold your frame and make sure that your expectations and assumptions are met by others. Anyone who has had a child or a roommate might recognize that they can constantly test your frame to see if something is acceptable. If you do nothing then their reality and expectations start to become the reality that holds the fabric of the relationship together. In other words, their frame has grown and taken yours over.
Frames aren’t determined by who benefits from an interaction, but rather by who gets their way. For example if you go to the home where a gracious host awaits you, they may go and bring you refreshments without you even asking. The host has done so because they want you to feel comfortable in their home. The host is getting their way and this suggests that you exist in their frame.
Now imagine the same people in the same scenario. You have entered the home and you are feeling a little parched. You then ask the host to bring you a glass of water, to which the host responds by brining you a glass of water. In this case, you are getting your way and this suggests that you hold the frame.
It’s the subtleties of social conventions that determine who is in control of the frame and it is much more common in eastern cultures to be aware of how these social conventions impact the frame and the mind control impacts of these actions.
Looking for this frame more often will allow you to understand how to carry yourself to have people respect you and follow what you say more frequently. Coming soon I’m going to give you a couple techniques to help control your frame and the frame of people around you to create a better world around you.
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